I see her grey hair
A glory?
Or we call it that as consolation?
It pains me
To not be able to deliver the reciprocation
Of the nurture, the care
I feel an ache inside
How saddening it is in itself
to not be there by her side
I feel the guilt
There’s this realisation always
Somewhere at the back of my mind
It only accentuated today
Because
It’s her birthday today
All emotions have been erupting
That I had tried to keep at bay
This one conversation of ours I remember
She smiled and creases on her face hit me hard
Made me wonder
When did they materialise
I pretended to be listening to her
But all I was thinking was how merciless is life
I wanted to hold her tight
And tell her
Mamma, I’m not ever gonna let you go anywhere
Tell her how much I love her
Beyond words
Tell her how much I fear
But all I did was hold back my tears
Consoling myself that her beauty is manifesting itself in other ways
That it’s the inescapable process
The gradual, gentle process
The fact that she’s ageing emphasised
Because
It’s her birthday today
All emotions have been erupting
That I had tried to keep at bay
I remember this one time
I observing her
I thinking to myself that she’s been performing tasks slower than before
How I wanted to tell her
It all is frightening me
Tell her how I want the clock to take a halt
For it to stop acting itself on her
Against her? Against me?
She deserves it not
I am scared
Scared of this unavoidable passing through of the waves
Of time
Wasn’t it only a while back
She was all energetic and youthful
Image still fresh in my mind
And now the brown spots on her hands catch my attention
Oh how I want to erase them!
Does she see the sadness in my eyes?
Is she aware of all this trepidation of mine?
I look at her picture
I stare long
It’s like looking through a glass at my own destiny
She’s taught me a lot
She taught me that
Life passes on, matters what of it we make
These memories, I treasure as a keepsake
I know she’ll gracefully handle the proceedings
As she has been doing with every other thing
Life is way too twisted
Moments pass and I get absorbed in my doings
And I’m relieved it’s that way
But today I am happy too
It’s her birthday today
I’m lucky enough to see her ageing through
I’m happy the emotions have been erupting
That I had tried to keep at bay
