It’s Her Birthday Today

One of my favourite most pictures from the collection.

Just as much I wish her many more

I’ve been perturbed lately by these aide-memoire

It’s her birthday today

All emotions have been erupting

That I had tried to keep at bay

I see her grey hair

A glory?

Or we call it that as consolation?

It pains me

To not be able to deliver the reciprocation

Of the nurture, the care

I feel an ache inside

How saddening it is in itself

to not be there by her side

I feel the guilt

There’s this realisation always

Somewhere at the back of my mind

It only accentuated today

Because

It’s her birthday today

All emotions have been erupting

That I had tried to keep at bay

This one conversation of ours I remember

She smiled and creases on her face hit me hard

Made me wonder

When did they materialise

I pretended to be listening to her

But all I was thinking was how merciless is life

I wanted to hold her tight

And tell her

Mamma, I’m not ever gonna let you go anywhere

Tell her how much I love her

Beyond words

Tell her how much I fear

But all I did was hold back my tears

Consoling myself that her beauty is manifesting itself in other ways

That it’s the inescapable process

The gradual, gentle process

The fact that she’s ageing emphasised

Because

It’s her birthday today

All emotions have been erupting

That I had tried to keep at bay

I remember this one time

I observing her

I thinking to myself that she’s been performing tasks slower than before

How I wanted to tell her

It all is frightening me

Tell her how I want the clock to take a halt

For it to stop acting itself on her

Against her? Against me?

She deserves it not

I am scared

Scared of this unavoidable passing through of the waves

Of time

Wasn’t it only a while back

She was all energetic and youthful

Image still fresh in my mind

And now the brown spots on her hands catch my attention

Oh how I want to erase them!

Does she see the sadness in my eyes?

Is she aware of all this trepidation of mine?

I look at her picture

I stare long

It’s like looking through a glass at my own destiny

She’s taught me a lot

She taught me that

Life passes on, matters what of it we make

These memories, I treasure as a keepsake

I know she’ll gracefully handle the proceedings

As she has been doing with every other thing

Life is way too twisted

Moments pass and I get absorbed in my doings

And I’m relieved it’s that way

But today I am happy too

It’s her birthday today

I’m lucky enough to see her ageing through

I’m happy the emotions have been erupting

That I had tried to keep at bay

I like to change my thoughts to black and white. It turns my head light.